the benefits of exercise

yes, i know everyone is aware of the benefits of exercise in regards to healthy lifestyle. but did you know that exercise can improve a person's depression? if the depression is very minor, with prolonged exercise the depression can be eradicated! that's pretty impressive, i think. so, when i stopped exercising for 2 weeks i started to become withdrawn again. when i started by exercise routine again post thanksgiving holiday, my endorphins kicked the withdrawn behavior right out the window. mental note: must remain the treadmill's good friend!

*she pats herself on the back*

i am smiling. why you ask? i actually had the guts to facebook an old friend (i hope i emailed the right profile!). i normally get trepid when chatting on the web to people i don't know. yes, i know they can't see me, therefore they won't be able to judge based on how i look. but i'm not able to speak with uninhibited abandon. my social fears just go that far and i don't know why.
to make a long story short, i emailed an old friend (whom i had a previous crush on way, way back when) and actually hit the send button. normally i would aguish over what the consqequences of sending a harmless email to someone that might possibly know me. but after just a second of contemplation i hit the send button with little hesitation. now the anguish that exists will be will he or will he not email me back (if he is indeed the right person). but i guess i will have to deal with that later!!

forgot to mention: i love my co-workers! they are so kool and we get along so well. btw, i work with my sister which is just as kool! they will be the hardest part of leaving this place. i wish we could all find another place where we could all work together in harmony, prick free. that alas, is only in dreams..maybe?

severe anxiety

i know no really reads my blog, but that's okay. it's really more for the cathartic aspect of it (i yet to feel its effects!). you know, getting things off your chest and things like that. it really should be a continuous routine, not just whenever i remember to write something up.

lately i have been in a real slump and predicament about my job. i hate my boss. and i mean hate. he's a misogynist prick, type a personality. everyone at work doesn't like him. seeing my boss, hearing everyword is very grating on my nerves. so obviously i need to change jobs or more like career. i would love to be one of those people who profess that they absolutely love their job. why can't i be one of those people, i ask. so the logical next question would be: what are you doing about it? well, i looked into life coaches that specialize in career changes, but they are expensive. around $500 for four sessions is the average! so instead i signed up with my alma mater, CSU East Bay, in hopes of seeing a career counselor. i have yet to receive my password in the mail (it was supposed to take 3 days and is has gone on longer than that) so i can sign on and schedule an appt with a career counselor before they start xmas vacation.

my friend at work has been going back to school to attain a higher education so she can fly this coupe. i must admit that i am jealous. or maybe just more afraid that she'll leave this place before i do. i don't want to feel defeated by all this. i know that it's not hopeless and that i will make it out of here, but it's just the here and now that has left me stifled. the whole process of getting yourself going and putting yourself out there. i have expressed interest in doing something in regards to environmental issues. there is a person in my kaiser social phobia class that works for a non-profit organization that deals with the evironment (in what capacity i'm not sure). i should be trying to network with him, but the social phobia thing, you know. i had the opportunity last night in class when we had to all take turns and talk for five minutes to someone that played the "active listening" role, but chickened out about talking about new careers and spoke of something else all together.

oh, yes! must mention coping statements. i used it for dealing with work situation and they have helped. this is what i have so far:

i can't compromise on my happiness
i am what's important
i can't second guess myself because i have made the right decision to move on
he (the prick boss) is merely a speck in the larger scheme of things and specks can be blown
away!
i have a great support system and foundation of love
i am not alone
must keep my eyes on the prize

so there you have it. i must sign off now. happy thanksgiving to all.

ahh...relief

well, patience is a virtue.  the prozac has finally kicked in on its second day and the sweet and sour ginger candy that i suck on have really help.  the nausea and dizziness have diminished greatly.  i had almost lost hope.  thought i would have to struggle everyday, but  i can function again!  time to join the living.  see you there ;)

brain shocks and other stuff

saw doctor yesterday for withdrawl symptoms. was asked if i've had diarrhea or brain shocks. said no. well, have had diarrhea twice since then and have had brain shocks intermittently throughout last 4 1/2 weeks. the shocks are weird. didn't know what they were until yesterday. peeople that have seizures are experiencing brain shocks but on a greater magnitude.
anyway, dr. shore put me on prozac to help with the withdrawls because unlike paxil, it remains in the body a lot longer. she also prescribes me odanestron for nausea.

wish me luck! bye for now.

yuck

took my last paxil on sunday. monday was my first paxil free day. however, i didn't come out unscathed. throughout the early afternoon i experienced dizziness. in the late afternoon i succumbed to extreme nausea. after forcing myself to vomit a little ifelt a little better and then laid down for a bit. when dinner came around i went through the normal routine of eating, but soon regretted it. vomited some more and felt minor relief. i then showered brushed my teeth and put myself to bed, which consisted of moaning from the nausea. i probably fell asleep sometime around 11:15pm, 2 hrs after getting into bed!

the point is: getting of a paxil or any type of anti-depressant is no f***ing fun! and this is probably just the beginning. pass the dramanine please. *blurch*