ahh...relief

well, patience is a virtue.  the prozac has finally kicked in on its second day and the sweet and sour ginger candy that i suck on have really help.  the nausea and dizziness have diminished greatly.  i had almost lost hope.  thought i would have to struggle everyday, but  i can function again!  time to join the living.  see you there ;)

brain shocks and other stuff

saw doctor yesterday for withdrawl symptoms. was asked if i've had diarrhea or brain shocks. said no. well, have had diarrhea twice since then and have had brain shocks intermittently throughout last 4 1/2 weeks. the shocks are weird. didn't know what they were until yesterday. peeople that have seizures are experiencing brain shocks but on a greater magnitude.
anyway, dr. shore put me on prozac to help with the withdrawls because unlike paxil, it remains in the body a lot longer. she also prescribes me odanestron for nausea.

wish me luck! bye for now.

yuck

took my last paxil on sunday. monday was my first paxil free day. however, i didn't come out unscathed. throughout the early afternoon i experienced dizziness. in the late afternoon i succumbed to extreme nausea. after forcing myself to vomit a little ifelt a little better and then laid down for a bit. when dinner came around i went through the normal routine of eating, but soon regretted it. vomited some more and felt minor relief. i then showered brushed my teeth and put myself to bed, which consisted of moaning from the nausea. i probably fell asleep sometime around 11:15pm, 2 hrs after getting into bed!

the point is: getting of a paxil or any type of anti-depressant is no f***ing fun! and this is probably just the beginning. pass the dramanine please. *blurch*

i told u so

i knew i couldn't keep up the daily blog thing, but there's an adjustment period (actually it's just forgetfulness!).  i have been surfing the net for this and that.  pre-ordered the new emily strange novel (can't wait til it comes!).  finally emptied out my dig. camera and posted them on snapfish. spoke to my cousin whom i will visit in minneapolis in the beginning of june.  trying to exercise during the week to loose some of those paxil pounds.  watched american idol intently as i have never shown any interest in it before.  glad kris allen won even though he is devoutly religious (don't get me started).  know adam lambert will be a huge star despite the title loss.  been leaning towards vegetarianism again (was a former veg. of 10+ years).  very glad for the 3 day weekend respite (please keep the u.s. soldiers safe abroad).  can't stop watching nick and norah's infinite playlist over and over (michael cera is so funny).   nausea from the paxil has dimished greatly (only have 2 pills left!!)  haven't had a migrane in days- woohoo!  

"sometimes it feels like i'm looking through a pain of glass.  i can see your mouth move but can't hear the words" 

wake up!

hey out there  i know my goal was to write everyday, hence the title.  well obviously i haven't.   you know how it goes--you get lax, put old priorities ahead of it and just say screw it!  with that said, here i am.  so here goes...

i in much need of a body makeover.  i've reached a gasping 170 lbs, my blood pressure has gone up and most likely my cholesterol has followed suit.  i do not want to succumb to diabetes either since i've been diagnosed as borderline.  taking control of one's life isn't easy since it applies to many aspects of one's life.  i have to find motivation in order to stay afloat and motivation is a hard thing for me.  i can get initially impel myself to get going, but to maintain it is a different story. every time i see an infomercial or a magazine cover about people chainging their lives and turning them around in such a positive way, it's almost as if they're sarcastically tooting, "ha!  i did it before you!"

until tomorrow (hopefully)- lillian

a new beginning

for various reasons like the steady weight gain and sleepless nights, i decided to get myself off  paxil.  i can definitely feel the effects of doing so.  the dizziness, nausea and depression.  my depression has managed to wedged it's way back into my life like an old nemesis from my past.  should i be doing this?  have a made a mistake?  I don't want to be depressed anymore because i  realize now that i don't like feeling that way.  "i'm happy being depressed", i used to say.  bullshit.  i hate it.  

i didn't really have a great high school life.  i sucked at school, had no drive to really succeed and had very little friends.  being morose made me feel like i was apart of an elusive group.  i finally belonged to something and it made me feel good.  if i killed myself it would've been the ultimate euphoria because i wouldn't have to feel anything anymore.

lesson 1:  i must stop daydreaming.  as much as i love to concoct unrealistic stories in my head that can be conjured up in a whim, say on one of those sleepless nights, they will never come reality until i take charge of my life and become my own real life heroine.