Sunday, May 3, 2009

a new beginning

for various reasons like the steady weight gain and sleepless nights, i decided to get myself off  paxil.  i can definitely feel the effects of doing so.  the dizziness, nausea and depression.  my depression has managed to wedged it's way back into my life like an old nemesis from my past.  should i be doing this?  have a made a mistake?  I don't want to be depressed anymore because i  realize now that i don't like feeling that way.  "i'm happy being depressed", i used to say.  bullshit.  i hate it.  

i didn't really have a great high school life.  i sucked at school, had no drive to really succeed and had very little friends.  being morose made me feel like i was apart of an elusive group.  i finally belonged to something and it made me feel good.  if i killed myself it would've been the ultimate euphoria because i wouldn't have to feel anything anymore.

lesson 1:  i must stop daydreaming.  as much as i love to concoct unrealistic stories in my head that can be conjured up in a whim, say on one of those sleepless nights, they will never come reality until i take charge of my life and become my own real life heroine.
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2 comments:

  1. SallyMay 4, 2009 at 11:52 AM

    let's exercise! long live paxil, don't get off of it, it's doing wonders for you. just change when you take the dose! you need to stay on the meds!

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  2. One EyeMay 4, 2009 at 4:20 PM

    I'm proud of you in your decision about taking charge of your life. I'm also EXTREMELY happy that you never followed through ending it all. You would NEVER know what a deep,empty abyss you would have left. The ones that you'd left behind would NEVER be the same and be forever incomplete without you. The thing about life is that there are things that you can't control and things you can definitely change for the better. If, that change is a dynamic one. Death is not dynamic, it is an abosolute and one can never undo it. The dynamic changes can always be changed again if it didn't work. That is what life is. A series of dynamics. So I applaud you and love you for your dynamic decision. I am very proud to call you my sister. Love always and dynamicly(if that is a word!) Vicky(one eye)

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